The house is empty. My husband took the kids for the day. Thank you Lord! Not that I don't want to be around my family, but I need to spend some quality time with my Father today. I think it's especially meaningful to have some alone time with Him when it's on HIS day the Sabbath.
The thing is, my heart is not into it. The last few weeks have been a blur. I feel overwhelmed, though I shouldn't, I feel unloved, which couldn't be further from the truth. I feel abandoned and alone - and you know why? Because I have become arrogant and selfish. I have turned my back on my prayer life - saying I'm too tired or allowing my mind to wonder while reading or trying to find answers on my own instead of having Him lead me. I need to today to pray for a soft heart again. An open heart. To pray against Satan. To repent for the person I so easily let myself slip into. I am so weak. HE is SO STRONG.
So here I sit. Like a child. Almost afraid to bow my head. So embarrassed about the state of my heart that I don't want to present it to Him. I know His LOVE is good. I know HIS Grace is good. I know I will have to pay some consequences and know I will be set free once I do this. Oh how I hate to disappoint, to acknowledge how proud, how wrong I have been. Such a character flaw.
I haven't done anything so outwardly wrong - I have not cheated, I haven't murdered, I haven't stolen, I haven't dishonored my parents (at least not knowingly). What I have done is worse. I have been proud. I have intentionally with held Love. I have talked with disapproving tone to my children. I have been quick to anger and slow to love. How awful that sounds. It is awful. But unfortunately, it is True.
One of my favorite quotes is "the truth hurts." and OH how right that is. Sometimes the truth hurts but it ALWAYS the right thing to hear. Through these last couple of weeks of me fighting with G-D, I have come to realize that He doesn't fight back. HE won't argue with me (and I like to argue). He simply shows me the Truth about my life - there is No arguing with the Truth. He puts a mirror right in front of you. And says, "this is you. You can change your behavior or not, that's your choice. You can argue with yourself all you want. You know what to do, because you know ME. I will wait for you."
SO here I sit. Ready to bow my head. Without the words to go to Him. With complete humiliation. Knowing that you have disappointed your FATHER is the worst feeling.
Knowing that he waits for you no matter what with open arms, is the BEST feeling.
Pray for a soft heart and spirit for me today as I apologize to my heavenly Father for my pride, my disrespect, my sharp tongue and my selfishness.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Friday, August 19, 2011
Its been a while
Well, I started this blog, then couldn't figure out what to do with it. I know now.
My thoughts run rampant in my head. I need a place to purge, to think, to see where I was and where I am going. A journey blog.
So I recently discovered that I am right now, not an evangelical Christian. I am into the Word. The bible. Just the bible. Just the words in the bible and how they all go together. How one scripture leads to another, how one confirms the former. I am not into the "how does this make you feel?" "how should I apply this to my life?" Don't get me wrong, I think that the bible all life applicable, but right now the more I study the history, the words, the bible, the more the life application is evident. I don't have to ask. Most of the questions that are asked of me about a particular scriptures frankly irritate me right now. For example, questions like, how has God worked in your life when you were in a tough situation? how should we use this example as how to pray in our lives? etc.... I wan to ask what does this word mean, is it other places in the bible, who is the audience, why was this important to them? Not because I think the questions are bad, they just feel like questions I could ask without ever opening a bible. I don't know, it's just where I am right now.
My thoughts run rampant in my head. I need a place to purge, to think, to see where I was and where I am going. A journey blog.
So I recently discovered that I am right now, not an evangelical Christian. I am into the Word. The bible. Just the bible. Just the words in the bible and how they all go together. How one scripture leads to another, how one confirms the former. I am not into the "how does this make you feel?" "how should I apply this to my life?" Don't get me wrong, I think that the bible all life applicable, but right now the more I study the history, the words, the bible, the more the life application is evident. I don't have to ask. Most of the questions that are asked of me about a particular scriptures frankly irritate me right now. For example, questions like, how has God worked in your life when you were in a tough situation? how should we use this example as how to pray in our lives? etc.... I wan to ask what does this word mean, is it other places in the bible, who is the audience, why was this important to them? Not because I think the questions are bad, they just feel like questions I could ask without ever opening a bible. I don't know, it's just where I am right now.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Sabbath
My husband and I are trying very hard to learn about and to observe the Sabbath. Why? Because we believe that this a Holy Day, a day set a part by G-D from the beginning of time. We also believe that the 10 Commandments still apply, especially now. The Sabbath is a day set a part from all others, it is a symbol between me and Him that I am His, that I want to live a Holy and Righteous life. We believe that the Sabbath, the Law for that matter, was never done away with. That Jesus did not Stop the Law, he showed us How to live it. How to the follow the SIMPLE words spoken by His Father, without adding to them and messing them up. The more we read and study, the more our eyes are opened to the Truth.
This has not been easy for us. We have had to face everything we have learned since we were little. To accept that maybe, but probably, we have been wrong our entire lives.Talk about being humbled - quickly. Extended family and friends have questioned us. Do we think we are Jews now? Don't we know that Jesus did away with Law and set us Free? Do we think we have to work our way to Heaven? - I guess the simple answer to all those questions, is No. No, we do not think we are Jews. No we don't know that Jesus did away from the Law and set us free, and No we don't think we have to work our way to Heaven.
We believe that Jesus did not do away with the Law, but upheld. He showed us the errors in our thinking, how we cannot add to His Law and make it ours. That sinful people can complicate the simplest ideas and distort reality. We believe that He died for our sins and that the way to Heaven is through Him. We also believe that just because He died for our sins doesn't mean we should live a sinful life, and the Law shows us exactly what G-D believes is a Holy and Righteous life. How do I know that - because it is the way Jesus lived. He lived it to the letter - following what G-D said, not adding to or taking away and not following the traditions of man. I want to live a close to that as I can. So we believe that the 4th Commandment continues to be relevant - just like all the others.
Just some questions to ask - Why was the Sabbath changed to the 1st day of the week? What scripture do you personally know that backs up not following the Sabbath? What scripture backs up following the Sabbath? How did away with the Sabbath? Does Jesus ever say he did away with Sabbath? Do you place weight on the Commandments, meaning do you think one is more important than they others? Do you have that authority?
Anyway - Just some questions we asked ourselves to begin our journey - we don't have the answers to all and would love a discussion, but what we have found is that once we started asking these questions and seeking answers, we now feel a live in Him. Like a little bit of the Truth has been revealed. We can't wait to find out more!
This has not been easy for us. We have had to face everything we have learned since we were little. To accept that maybe, but probably, we have been wrong our entire lives.Talk about being humbled - quickly. Extended family and friends have questioned us. Do we think we are Jews now? Don't we know that Jesus did away with Law and set us Free? Do we think we have to work our way to Heaven? - I guess the simple answer to all those questions, is No. No, we do not think we are Jews. No we don't know that Jesus did away from the Law and set us free, and No we don't think we have to work our way to Heaven.
We believe that Jesus did not do away with the Law, but upheld. He showed us the errors in our thinking, how we cannot add to His Law and make it ours. That sinful people can complicate the simplest ideas and distort reality. We believe that He died for our sins and that the way to Heaven is through Him. We also believe that just because He died for our sins doesn't mean we should live a sinful life, and the Law shows us exactly what G-D believes is a Holy and Righteous life. How do I know that - because it is the way Jesus lived. He lived it to the letter - following what G-D said, not adding to or taking away and not following the traditions of man. I want to live a close to that as I can. So we believe that the 4th Commandment continues to be relevant - just like all the others.
Just some questions to ask - Why was the Sabbath changed to the 1st day of the week? What scripture do you personally know that backs up not following the Sabbath? What scripture backs up following the Sabbath? How did away with the Sabbath? Does Jesus ever say he did away with Sabbath? Do you place weight on the Commandments, meaning do you think one is more important than they others? Do you have that authority?
Anyway - Just some questions we asked ourselves to begin our journey - we don't have the answers to all and would love a discussion, but what we have found is that once we started asking these questions and seeking answers, we now feel a live in Him. Like a little bit of the Truth has been revealed. We can't wait to find out more!
Friday, June 3, 2011
So here it goes...
I am on a journey. A spiritual journey. I am a questioner by nature, a natural "devil's advocate" (no pun intended), and need an outlet to express thoughts, questions, answers and hopefully spread the Truth that I find. You see, organized religion has always bothered me. I never really got it. Why church? Why the Bible? Why Christmas? What Easter? Why some commandments and not others? I am a believer. I believe that Jesus is my savior; that He died for me and because of that my sin is forgiven. I believe that. I get that. It's when the church gets in the way that I don't understand. I am on a journey for the Truth.
I was driving today, on my way to pick up my two small boys (4 and 2 years) and started thinking about how I was going to explain and teach them about Jesus, YAHWEH, life, persecution, standing up for what they believe in. How am I going to explain these BIG concepts to Little boys? Prayer is amazing. It popped into my head (Holy Spirit) to just say it, plainly, not to make it complicated, because it's not. The concept is easy, it's the living it that's SO hard.
Here is what I have come up with - so far....(as far as explaining why we do things different than other people who believe in Jesus)
We believe that Jesus came and died for our sins. That when he died he took my sin away and if we believe that we will have life with YAHWEH after we die. BUT we also believe that YAHWEH has a way in which he wants us to live, not to be saved from sin, but to be holy and righteous. A way to live that makes us closer to HIM. AND if we stand up for what HE deemed holy, right and clean - then DO it in spite of what the world says, when that day comes we will walk closer with HIM and our reward will be greater.
So that is the journey I am on. To walk in a holy and righteous way, set forth by the BIBLE, not the church or church doctrine. Trust me I have WAAAYYYY more questions than answers, but for once. It all seems easy, simple. The plan is spelled out - I just have to DO it - now that's the hard part, that's the FAITH.
I was driving today, on my way to pick up my two small boys (4 and 2 years) and started thinking about how I was going to explain and teach them about Jesus, YAHWEH, life, persecution, standing up for what they believe in. How am I going to explain these BIG concepts to Little boys? Prayer is amazing. It popped into my head (Holy Spirit) to just say it, plainly, not to make it complicated, because it's not. The concept is easy, it's the living it that's SO hard.
Here is what I have come up with - so far....(as far as explaining why we do things different than other people who believe in Jesus)
We believe that Jesus came and died for our sins. That when he died he took my sin away and if we believe that we will have life with YAHWEH after we die. BUT we also believe that YAHWEH has a way in which he wants us to live, not to be saved from sin, but to be holy and righteous. A way to live that makes us closer to HIM. AND if we stand up for what HE deemed holy, right and clean - then DO it in spite of what the world says, when that day comes we will walk closer with HIM and our reward will be greater.
So that is the journey I am on. To walk in a holy and righteous way, set forth by the BIBLE, not the church or church doctrine. Trust me I have WAAAYYYY more questions than answers, but for once. It all seems easy, simple. The plan is spelled out - I just have to DO it - now that's the hard part, that's the FAITH.
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