The house is empty. My husband took the kids for the day. Thank you Lord! Not that I don't want to be around my family, but I need to spend some quality time with my Father today. I think it's especially meaningful to have some alone time with Him when it's on HIS day the Sabbath.
The thing is, my heart is not into it. The last few weeks have been a blur. I feel overwhelmed, though I shouldn't, I feel unloved, which couldn't be further from the truth. I feel abandoned and alone - and you know why? Because I have become arrogant and selfish. I have turned my back on my prayer life - saying I'm too tired or allowing my mind to wonder while reading or trying to find answers on my own instead of having Him lead me. I need to today to pray for a soft heart again. An open heart. To pray against Satan. To repent for the person I so easily let myself slip into. I am so weak. HE is SO STRONG.
So here I sit. Like a child. Almost afraid to bow my head. So embarrassed about the state of my heart that I don't want to present it to Him. I know His LOVE is good. I know HIS Grace is good. I know I will have to pay some consequences and know I will be set free once I do this. Oh how I hate to disappoint, to acknowledge how proud, how wrong I have been. Such a character flaw.
I haven't done anything so outwardly wrong - I have not cheated, I haven't murdered, I haven't stolen, I haven't dishonored my parents (at least not knowingly). What I have done is worse. I have been proud. I have intentionally with held Love. I have talked with disapproving tone to my children. I have been quick to anger and slow to love. How awful that sounds. It is awful. But unfortunately, it is True.
One of my favorite quotes is "the truth hurts." and OH how right that is. Sometimes the truth hurts but it ALWAYS the right thing to hear. Through these last couple of weeks of me fighting with G-D, I have come to realize that He doesn't fight back. HE won't argue with me (and I like to argue). He simply shows me the Truth about my life - there is No arguing with the Truth. He puts a mirror right in front of you. And says, "this is you. You can change your behavior or not, that's your choice. You can argue with yourself all you want. You know what to do, because you know ME. I will wait for you."
SO here I sit. Ready to bow my head. Without the words to go to Him. With complete humiliation. Knowing that you have disappointed your FATHER is the worst feeling.
Knowing that he waits for you no matter what with open arms, is the BEST feeling.
Pray for a soft heart and spirit for me today as I apologize to my heavenly Father for my pride, my disrespect, my sharp tongue and my selfishness.
